Over the last few days, I have been thinking a lot about turning "The Big 3-0" in a couple weeks. For the last year, I have been dreading leaving my twenties behind, knowing that I am merely getting older. People have said that turning 30 is "no big deal", but it is for me.
There are times in everyone's life that they look back on the years that have past and think about the things that they have done, things we wished we would have done, goals we set and accomplished as well as failing at others. I have had many successes in my life that I have fought, clawed, and sought after with my whole heart and finally obtained them. Those successes are what gives me the passion and drive to keep going, to keep chasing all of the dreams that I have for my life. Successes, however, also come with failures; which, I have had my fair share of just like most of us have I am sure.
I look around me and everyone that I see, all the friends that I have are all in the next phases of their lives, most are married and/or have families of their own, and all the while, I feel as if I am out of place or lagging way behind in this race we call life. I used to have this "Thirty Year Plan" for my life which included being married and being a Mom by the age of 30. It always seemed like 30 was a well-rounded age to get married at (around) and to begin a family. I grew up in a family where my parents had kids very young, and although I see nothing wrong with that, I wanted to wait until I was at least in my mid-twenties before getting married and having children. Now 30 is pounding on my door with brute force, and I cannot help but wonder why I am about to turn 30 and I feel like life is slipping away from me? Did I wait too long? Was I too picky on who I chose to date? Do I have too high of expectations? Why does 30 feel "old" to me and why am I struggling so much with this age?
I also look at my life in terms of a career. I do not yet have a career, as I just graduated from college about a year ago, and with having a hard time finding employment locally when the job market for your career is not here, you end up going back to working the types of jobs you did prior to going to college...That could have something to do with it as well. I chose to go straight to the work field right out of high school, for fear of flunking out of college, so I attended college at a later time than my friends, and I see them all established in their careers, making a decent living, owning a home, planning trips, having families, and all of the things that go with that career phase in life after you graduate from college.
Am I on the right course, or am I swimming up stream without a paddle as I am living in an apartment, by myself, with my two cats, have not landed a permanent job in my career field yet, and have not ran smack dab into "Mr. Right" yet to even try the next phase. The good Lord could help me out with that piece any time now as I am ready for my "meant-to-be" to cross my path in life. Beam him down Jesus. :)
I have also wondered if the reason why 30 feels "old", is because I had to grow up and be very responsible at the age of 10? When I think about it, I almost feel like I am turning 40, but really turning 30, yet 40 is not old either but I feel "old".
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Then I spend the day with my 8 year old niece and I see such life and determination within her. I see her imagination, her love for me and for life and the pure joy of just being a kid and playing. I see her get excited to go to the store where she gets to be the helper, where she feels special, needed and important. I see her eyes twinkle when I tell her we are going for ice cream and afterwards we get to go to the park and play at the splash pad. I am so incredibly blessed to be an Auntie to 4 amazing kids and it makes my desire to have my own and that yearning to have my own grow with more intensity.
I know that thirty is now considered the new twenty, but I have been patient, VERY patient and I feel that I am ready for these next phases in my life to begin. I don't want to keep letting my life slip by on the "hope" that it will happen in the right time...I want to start living the life of a 30 year old woman instead of feeling like I am living the life of a 20 year old woman. Now is the time, the time to make dreams happen, to create the things in my life I dream of, goals I want to accomplish and the places I know they could take me. For now, I will try to remain content with being 30 as I really do not have a choice in the matter, however, I dare to dream and I dream BIG, so maybe the dreams I have are just right this year for turning the BIG 3-0! :)
~Melissa
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