Purposeful Evening

Ever wonder what you are meant to do with your life? Ever wonder what your purpose in life is? This is a question that is always on my mind. I think about all of the opportunities I have had in life and the obstacles that I have walked through already and I constantly wonder if I am living a purposeful life?

I believe that we are all born with certain gifts and purposes for our lives. We spend our lives discovering what they are, developing them and finding a way to use them for the common good of everyone. I went through a phase in my life where I knew what things interested me, but I didn't know what things I was actually good at and how to develop those gifts. I spent many years trying to do the things that everyone else was doing, so I could be good at those things too. I spent many years "people pleasing" because it was easier to follow what other people wanted to do, thought and believed than to find my own voice in things, even if it meant I was standing alone. I started feeling uncomfortable with stating I was okay with things or believed certain things when I really did not believe or think the same way. I felt uncomfortable with always "following" what others did and "shelving" the things I was good at or passionate about.

One day, I was determined to find out what my gifts were, what things I was good at and what on earth am I here for? "WHAT IS MY PURPOSE IN LIFE?", was a question that always seemed to elude me. I began to make a list of the things that I was either good at, or really enjoyed. These were some of the things that I listed:

• I am good at writing.
• I love music.
• I am good at making people smile.
• I love helping others.
• I am good at time management.
• I am a great friend and a very honest/trustworthy person.
• I want to teach children.
• I enjoy inspirational movies/shows and trying to implement changes in my life.
• I want to make a difference in this world.
• I want people to remember me and my life because I inspired them in some way.

After looking at these things, I began to realize that I have MANY gifts and talents that I was given, I just haven't been using them to their full potential. When I started developing my passion for writing aside from writing letters (yes, I still hand write letters), I noticed that I was naturally pretty good at it. I have taken many writing courses in college, and I have always done really well with any stories or papers that I have had to write. I have even had college instructors ask permission to use my work as an example for future courses. : )

Making people smile and making their day just a bit brighter is a daily personal goal that I make a point of accomplishing. There is a joy and pure pleasure in seeing someone else smile and knowing that you were the reason they are laughing and feel just a bit better than they did before. If you ask my sister Heather, she will tell you that she loves spending time hanging out because we are goofy, we play Mario Kart on her Wii, we talk about things going on and we have at times those "stupid" conversations that just make you die from laughter. : ) **Heather: I will never forget our "What does a girl toad say to a guy toad when they flirt with each other?" and the latest "I wanna be Ding Dong" conversations! I think we laughed so hard we were crying for quite a bit. : )

The things that I do in my daily life, I try to do with others in mind. I try my hardest to treat others how I would like to be treated and if I can make at least one person smile, well then my goal for the day has been met.

I've come to realize that God has given me these talents, desires, and dreams for a purpose. I do not have it "all figured out" as I learn more about myself each day, but I know that I am to use these talents for good and to bless the lives of the people around me. No matter if that is helping them out with something or even something as small as a smile or a "Hello".

What is your purpose? : )

~Melissa

Thankful Sunday

Life gives us many things. It gives us the chance to experience all of the great things in this world and meet so many people from many walks of life. This morning as I get ready to head to work again, I wanted to take a few moments to write out some of the things that I am thankful for in my life today.


God: I am thankful for having God in my life. This is a hard one for me as I have struggled with "religion" and a relationship with God for many years due to a really bad experience with church from the age of 13-21 that put a "sour taste" in my mouth. I struggled with feeling like God was "punishing" me for years for choices I made by "taking my loved ones out of my life" for 8 consecutive years. I have learned that was never the truth, but for years I honestly believed that and it caused me to literally hate God or church....Now, I am beginning to open up myself and my life to God again and the possibility of finding a new "home church". Thank you God for hanging onto me, even when I was the most unlovable. : )

Family: I am thankful that I have a family that tries to do their best and to help each other out. We do not always get along, and there are many times that there is tension between us, but I know that when it comes down to it, as dysfunctional as my family can be, we are there for each other. I am thankful that my younger sister Heather has become my best friend over the years. We have shared many happy times as well as many sad times together. I am thankful for having the opportunity to become an "Auntie". I have two nieces and one nephew and one on the way but we do not know yet if it will be another girl or a boy. I love being an Auntie and I love my nieces Chloe and Hopealika (Hope) and my nephew Philemon (Philly) more than anything in this world. They have given me a sense of love and hope that I did not have before them. They have taught me that life also provides the simplistic pleasures that I once enjoyed as a kid. I love spending time with them and being a part of their lives.

 

 

Friends:  I am thankful for the friends that I have in my life today. Each one of you have blessed my life in so many ways, and for that, I am eternally grateful. This area of my life has always been a difficult one for me as I have had to learn to pull down my guard and allow people into my life. If any one of you were to ask me why I like being your friend, I would tell you exactly why because each of you mean a lot to me. Thank you for being there with my to share in the good times and to walk through the hard times with me. You all are such blessings in my life. : )

My Apartment/Job: I am thankful that I have my own place to live, and I have been able to live here for almost 5yrs. I have had a few apartments before this one, but where I currently live, I believe that this is a wonderful place to live and the people who have lived here for years are really nice...My parents and older sister live in the same apartment building as I do as they kind of followed me over here. In some ways it has been a blessing to have my family so close, but in others it still feels as if we are all living under the same roof...Maybe that's part of the reason I want to move out of state for a few years? I love my family dearly, yet I am not so sure it's cool that we all live in the same building at times. My younger sister does not live in my apartments, but on the other side of town which is good because I tend to go over to her house a lot to visit and to "get away" for a few hours.

I am thankful for my job. I have a retail job and although it is not the job that I want to have, I am thankful that I have a job to go to work and make money every day. I am thankful for the amazing employees and managers that I have at this job, which makes the job more enticing, yet I would prefer to finally get out of the retail world. For now though, it is a job and is what allows me to keep my home, electricity, car, pets and food on the table.

Pets: I am thankful for being able to have my cats. I have a 9yr old cat named Baby, whom of which I have had since he was a kitten and I love him dearly. I recently got a kitten who is 13 weeks old and with the help of my niece Chloe, we came up with the name Mittens for him. These two crazy felines keep me alert all the time when I am at home and even during the night when I am trying to sleep. I love them because they do not care who I am, what my past is, what mistakes I made in life or any of that...They have one condition and that is: If I love them and take care of them, then they will love me back no matter what. Pets have been a source of tranquility for me. I think I would be very miserable if I no longer could have a pet of some kind...

Baby is above and Mittens is on the right. : )













There are many other things that I am thankful for, but these are a few that came to mind as I was writing this out today. : )

~Melissa

"The House that Built Me"

 

This is my childhood home and the home that my sister's and I grew up in. Now, this is the new siding they put on the house a year before my parent's moved out. When growing up, this house was a "two-toned" house that had God awful grayish-green siding on the top half and "puke-up-egg-yolk", yellow on the bottom half. The siding was very ugly and everyone knew our house because it was the only two-toned house on the block. : ) When we grew up in this house, the house looked like this before the new siding was put on.

Nonetheless, the colors did not matter because this house was our home. It is over 100 years old and with every old house, you will find minor things, but this house really cemented our childhood. This is where I spent many days playing in the front yard,or helping my Dad tear apart cars on the weekends. It is a 4 bedroom house, and upstairs, in a small, back bedroom is where I spent much of my time absorbed in my music. I learned how to ride a bike at this house, had my first sleep-overs, met my first "best friend", had my first date at this house and my first kiss on these door steps. No matter what happened in life, I knew I had a home to go to and a place within it of my own in which I could escape.

I miss this house dearly, and I drive by it at least once a week as it now has a family living there. From the years of 1991-2005, this was The House that Built Me. There is a small yard in the back where Dad had at one time a shed, a make shift bike shed that him and I built to store all of our bikes, and a pop-up-enclosed tent to store his race car in over winter...The only thing that I did not like was having to mow the lawn/rake the yard in the summer and shovel the sidewalks in the winter.

At night, if it was really quiet, you could hear the house settling and it would make these subtle creaks, which sounded creepy at first, but then you got used to it. Our stairs creaked as you walked up or down them, so my parents always knew when one of us was awake or tried to come downstairs when we should have been sleeping...During the summer when it would storm, the lightning would penetrate throughout the house and the sound of the thunder and rain was enough to sooth you to sleep.

The house is on a corner lot, and across the street from an open field and train tracks. When we first moved in the summer of 1991, none of us could stand the obnoxiously LOUD trains or the fact that they would be "playing" (running and clanking other carts at full speed causing a loud banging sound) all hours of the night. After a few months, we got used to it and learned how to tune out the noise. Then, we "needed" to hear the trains running at night in order to fall asleep as we have grown accustomed to the noise.

I had moved out and moved back home a couple times for a short period between apartments that I was living in, but moving away from those noises and that comfort of home was hard to get used to. Sure there were minor things wrong with the house as any house that is over 100yrs old would have, but as imperfect as it was, it was perfect at the same time for my sister's and I to grow up in a safe and secure home like this...I think that this is where I developed the need to have "white noise" at night or at least the hum of a fan in order to sleep. I cannot sleep in dead silence.

My parents have not lived in this house for going on 4yrs now, and after they moved out, the house was completely remodeled, new wiring, and everything brought up to 2012 code of living. The walls were completely painted over, the kitchen was demolished and extended out towards the back yard, the bathrooms were completely remodeled and all the other rooms were completely changed as well. When this house was up for sale, I saw the photos that the realtor's posted on their site and it looked NOTHING like the house I grew to know as HOME. I cried when I saw the photo of my what I thought was my old bedroom, but could barely make it out until I saw the window, then I knew.

Every memory of my family living there was wiped out and seems as if it did not exist...I know times change and people renovate/remodel places all of the time. It's completely normal, but it just struck me as hard when I saw that our house looked like a completely different one. Our neighbor still lives in the house across the street and she has become friends with the new family. I think that is awesome. : )

There is a song by Miranda Lambert called "The House that Built Me" which speaks about this very thing. I have thought many times of going to the house and introducing myself to the lady who lives there with her family, explain to her that I used to live in this house and that I grew up here. Then I would ask her if I could come in and take a walk through the house, just to see what it looks like today. I have thought about it, however, I am not sure if I could actually go up to the door, knock on it and actually ask to see the house.

Memories are an amazing thing to have. It not only allows you to remember important things like dates and information, but it also allows you to relive parts of your life through those memories, that you otherwise would not be able to look back on. I am not sure if I will ever actually do that or not, but when my parents moved out, I kept my personal copy of my house key Why? Because they change the locks on the doors when a family moves out of a house; but more importantly,  because it's my small "piece" of the house that I built me all those years ago. : )


~Melissa

Symbolism Saturday--Dreams

Haven't you ever wondered why we have dreams or what they could mean when we do have them? This is a question that I have asked myself for many years now. I know that there are theories out there but I am not sure if I agree completely with any one specific theory or stance on it. I have instead tried to develop my own personal theory for the dreams that I have based on what dreams I have had and how they relate to any part of my life.

I have had multiple kinds of dreams throughout my life ranging from the completely strange, to scary/horrifying, to death dreams, reoccurring dreams over and over again, to dreams that continue after waking up right where you left off.

One dream that I have had over and over again oddly has to do with being chased by dinosaurs. Not just any dinosaur, but the most ferocious of them all the Tyrannosaurus Rex! Now, I have seen Jurassic Park (all 3 of them) many times throughout my life and I even own all three movies, but I maybe watch the movie series once a year, if that, so I know it's not because I recently watched it...The storyline is always the same, with the same people but in different locations. By the end of the dream (or at least when I wake up) I am always being chased by this dinosaur, scared, running for my life because he's mad and about to kill me! This dream stumped me for years and then I thought about what was going on in my life during the times when I would have this strange dinosaur dream. Every time I have had this dream, I am stressed out about something, there is someone or something in my life that is very overpowering, suffocating me, trying to control something in my life and if I do not get out or get away soon, that person or thing will essentially kill a part of me...So, I have learned to take notice to when I have this dream or a variation of something similar and that means I need to do some personal evaluation to get rid of that thing or person who is suffocating me.

I used to have death dreams all of the time and I could never figure out why. These were death dreams of somehow in the dream, I would be the one who would die, although I have always woken up just before I died...These dreams scared the crap out of me for many years as I thought that I would die really young for whatever reason...Then many years later, after these dreams died down and occurred less frequently; I began to search within myself to find answers. I did research on dreams but nothing really seemed to "fit" with what I was experiencing, so I took bits and pieces into consideration, but still wanted to know why I was having these dreams. I would have dreams of falling off buildings and waking up seconds before I would hit the ground and meet my demise. I would have dreams of plane crashes, car accidents, hot air balloon rides gone bad...etc. All of them where I would be on the verge of dying and wake up that scary second before you actually did die in the dream...

After years of searching for answers, I realized that over the years and time in my life that I was having these death dreams, I was experiencing in real life what I call the "Death Plague" in my life. There would be at least one death in my life, some years two and it was for 8 consecutive years. Deaths of family members, family friends but the death of my best friend from High school was a tipping point for me. Oddly enough, these dreams all occurred BEFORE each of these actual deaths, however, it was me who died in these dreams and not my loved ones...I realized many years later that maybe it's a way of "preparing me" for the death of that person, so it does not come as a shock when it actually does happen? Well, that philosophy didn't hold up too well as I do not think anything can prepare you for the death of a loved one whether you know it's coming or not. I do however, take a mental note now when these dreams occur and hope that the dream is wrong.

I have also had dreams that continue where you left off if you happen to wake up in the middle of them. This has happened on numerous occasions throughout my life. Some have been down right scary and have scared the crap out of me, while others were dreams of things that were enjoyable or things that I loved. I still cannot get myself to "continue" a dream that I really liked and did not want to wake up from, yet when I go back to sleep, of course you do not get to continue those cool dreams, but start another one if you dream again at all that night. : )

I've made it a personal habit to write down dreams that I have had when I feel that they have has some kind of significance that should be looked at later. When I write them down, I have seen that a few of my dreams have been spot on when it came to telling a friend about a house I saw her buy, specific details down to the style and color of the house which was the house her and her husband had decided to buy before they had told anyone about it...So, it's been cool to see that happen on a few occasions but that has only happened a couple times. : )

...Anyways, dreams can symbolize things in your life that could happen or things that maybe you need to look at and make a change. Last night I had a series of dreams that struck me as both bizarre and odd. The first dream was about a famous person and being in the same place and getting to talk to her about this blog oddly enough...She said that she found it online and has been reading it daily. I was so happy and excited that someone of her caliper would want to read a blog of some "simple person" who she's never met. It was cool nonetheless. : )

Then I had another dream about a dog I owned (in the dream) that was left with a friend while I was away and when I came back after like a month, the dog was skin and bones, bleeding from the mouth, missing teeth and had gouges of skin missing...I was horrified and cried asking why someone would do this to a pet, and just leave them there to die? I realized that this was not about my "dog" as I do not own a dog, but I do own two cats and they are the little loves in my life. I would die if anything bad happened to my cats and I would be heart broken if this happened to one of them. Not sure what the dream means but maybe that I need make sure only people I trust take care of my pets if I need to be gone for a few days?

The last dream was about an old ex boyfriend who wanted to see me and get back together. The dream was of one ex but I knew based on the events of the last few days, it was really implied to someone else, but in a round about way...was about the same concepts. I know based on where my heart is at and what happened in the dream that the best thing and most healthy thing for me to do is STAY FAR AWAY! : )

...Dreams are a funny thing, but I do believe that they have some merit in our lives, and we have these dreams for some reason or the other--It just may not be the exact reason or the exact layout of the dream as it may be in your personal life. Be mindful of those types of dreams that happen more than once. I have this rule of thumb with dreams...If I have the same dream, similar version of the dream or different dreams with the same people in it more than 3 times in one year, then I believe it's my subconscious trying to tell me something and maybe I should listen...

~Melissa

Friday Bliss

As I look out my window and see that it is gloomy and rainy, I am reminded of all the beauty that this world has to offer. I see a world that is big, unknown, vibrant and just "oozing" with opportunity. There is beauty all around us from the physical world of the Earth that we can see, hear, feel, smell and taste (eating); to all the wonderful people we meet every day.

Each day is a new journey through life. Each day is filled with opportunities to succeed, to excel, to be just a little bit better than you were yesterday. People say that the path to happiness in life is a straight and narrow one. If you sway from it, then not only will you find yourself in trouble, but you will also find it hard to do things in life. I believe this statement very loosely as I believe that each choice and road we take in life is for a reason. Each road leads us to where we are today and who we have become today as a result of those roads...So, our "path to happiness" goes from the non-realistic idea of a straight road to something more like this...

I find that true happiness comes from within the soul. We all are taught a foundation of what is deemed as right and wrong in life. We all know when something feels right and we all have that "gut feeling" or subconscious that tells us when we are or are about to do something we know that we shouldn't...It is the choices that we make in this life that not only shape and mold us into the person that we are today and the person that we are to become, but it also gives us a sense of identity and purpose in life.

For everything that happens in life there is a reason, a purpose. Sometimes those things are in our favor and sometimes those things are blessings in disguise. I have found it really hard to grow as a person if I am not able to make mistakes and learn from them. That's what life is about anyway isn't it? Doing the best you can with the life that you are given, yet learning from your mistakes and growing to be a better person is really what life is about anyway...But you get to enjoy the journey through life as you go. I really believe this quote from a song that states "Life is a dance, you learn as you go. Sometimes you lead, and sometimes you follow." I believe that every great ending destination is a dance, waiting to be learned...

I was reminded of this a few different times today. The first was when I found out that my "adoptive sister" Jessi just gave birth to her son this morning...That's a new life and a new journey that has just begun. I was reminded of this today as it was raining. The rain was substantial because it brings water to the living organisms of this earth which are vital to our food chain, but it also made me realize that when struggles come in life, that even when it feels like the hardships are pouring down on you with no end in sight...Wade through it because eventually every storm runs out of rain and the sun will shine again.

The last time I was reminded that life is a dance, is this morning as I was waiting on a customer. This elderly lady came in shopping and she is a regular customer and knows me quite well on an "employee" level. She gave me the BEST compliment and one that I so badly needed to hear...She told me as I was ringing her items through the check out; " It's so good to see you. I have not seen you in such a long time and I have missed seeing your smiling face. You make my day when I come here because you always have such a wonderful attitude towards me." --I nearly cried as I thanked her for such a wonderful compliment. I needed to hear this today as I have been struggling with a few things in my life and hearing this today from a lady who would otherwise be a total stranger was such a HUGE blessing to me. My storm I was thinking about today immediately dissipated, and the sun once again found it's way through. :)

What a great compliment. Thank you to that nice lady (who I can never remember her name for the life of me) but I know who she is. :)

As I finish up this post, I want to leave you with one final message to reflect on and that is...

~Melissa

Throwback Thursday

Last night I had a desire to go through one of my old drawers that has a bunch of miscellaneous things in it. Things from extension cords, to senior pictures, to old report cards and class schedules from Middle School. As I was going through this stuff, I came across a light-blue folder that was plumped full of things. I had no idea what was in it and honestly, I forgot any of the contents that were in it. When I went through it after curiosity got the better of me, I come to find a stack of papers like this.... (See Photos Below)

 

 As I was looking through this stack of papers, I was instantly brought back to that time in my life. I remembered what school I was at, what class this was for and what teacher I had for this class. As I have stated before, music has been a huge part of my life and I think this helps to solidify that part of me as I have held onto these papers for 16 years. I am not sure why I held onto these papers all of this time, but the only thing that I can come up with is that I kept them as a reminder of this class, the fun I had in it, and how much music "saved my life" all those years ago.

I was in I think 8th grade now that I look at the date, and I was 13 years old. This time in my life with my choir class was a very "magical" time for me as I found music to be my best friend. I could relate to it and I felt music understood me. I didn't have many friends as a kid and I got bullied by my classmates so badly at school that I actually walked home a few times slightly injured from being bullied because I was too afraid to ride the bus home. I walked the mile home quite often in 7th and 8th grade because I was tormented badly and hated my life. I would constantly wonder WHY I was the one that everyone picked on and tormented? I mean I never was mean to anyone, I was what would be deemed as a "good girl" but I was never mean to anyone and tried to be nice to everyone, yes even the people who would bully me badly.

Those two years of middle school and having that choir class, spurred me on to becoming more passionate about music and the serenity it gave me then and still gives me today. I remember that teacher who I had for my choir class that year. She was a young lady, probably just graduated college not too long before this year but I remember her being so nice. Somewhere during that school year, she noticed this desire within me for music and invited me to not only try out for the Travel Choir but she also invited me to an event in Cold Spring, MN. Now, Cold Spring is only about 15 minutes from the town I live in, but for a 13 year old girl who only traveled to and from her Aunt and Uncle's house on the other side of town and to her grandparents house about 35 miles from town (on holidays), this was a cool trip and I was beyond thrilled to be asked to go! I got the opportunity to sing with the choir at this particular event and even to this day (16 years later), I can still recall clear as day that year in my life, that class, that teacher and this event because being invited to that event meant so much to me at that time in my life...

I will not disclose any names for the sake of keeping her identity private and I do not know if by some chance she will ever come across this blog or this particular post--But thank you Mrs. "Choir Teacher" from the 1998-1999 school year. After I left my middle school and went on to High school, I made sure that I was involved in choir through graduation.

...It's funny how when we are kids, we deem things that seem important to us at that time. If the significance is strong enough, we tend to keep things for whatever reason. Maybe it's to reminisce on times we really enjoyed and times of being happy? Maybe it's because something impacted or changed our lives even in a small way that we wanted to hang on to them as reminders even as we get older? For whatever that reason was, I kept those papers all of these years. Who knows, maybe it was to keep them to remind me of that time in my life that I really enjoyed and then many years later (as in today) I could write about it and share it with others.

I will hang on to these papers and the others I have because it brought me back to a time in my life when school was horrifying to go to, but even through that tough time, I found pleasure in certain things and I created my own happiness in the midst of so much hate, animosity and hostility from my peers at school.

This was the beginning of my "Musical Sanctuary" that I still hold dear to my heart and make time for in my life today. : ) I have no doubt that desire for music stemmed from these two years of pure joy I found in choir class and just in music when I felt that my world was lonely and that no one could possibly understand me or my life. : )

~Melissa

Wonderful Wednesday

Waking up at 6 a.m. on my day off was not what I had in mind for the morning. I envisioned that I would sleep until about 9 a.m. and then get up and start my day....Nope my body that is programmed to be up early every day had other plans for me.

So after being frustrated once again by my body's lack to sleep in for a few hours, I began thinking about some ways that I could practice and develop my writing, but I also wanted to have it serve a purpose other than merely for my purpose of writing. I came up with a few really cool ideas on how I could do little things each day to work on it and use my writing skills, yet have it bless the lives of others as well. I will not reveal what that exactly is because then I may give away the mystery if anything were to come of it but I am really excited to see if this could work.

Words are the most powerful thing that people can use, and they can do one of two things: They can either bless people or severely hurt people. I have been on the receiving end of hurtful words more than my share already in life but I have also used words in hurtful ways in the past towards others as well. I realized that I want to use the gift of words and writing that I have been blessed with to not only share my thoughts on everyday things, but to also bless those around me--So as a step in achieving my goal this year with my writing, I am going to write and use that writing to physically write down my thoughts and ideas, but also to bless the lives of those around me. I've always been aware of the fact that in life, we tend to overlook the "little things" life has to offer, yet when we begin to see those things, take notice of them and try to do something for others that there is a great reward that comes with blessing others and paying forward acts of kindness...So I am taking on the quest to use my gift of words and writing to bless others just for the sake of seeing people smile on a daily basis. : )

I want to be a person who is remembered when I leave this Earth. I doubt I will ever become famous or rich and I am fine with that; however, I want my life here on Earth to mean something to the people in my life. I want to touch their lives in some way as I hope they will touch mine. I have a small list of people who have really made an impact on my life in some way. Those people range from a few close friends, to previous teachers, to a couple random strangers I was blessed to have crossed my path, to a few family members and yes, even my pets (although they do not qualify as people or human but still have touched my life)....These are the people that I will remember for whatever reason they touched a part of my life and I want to be one of those people to someone else. There is so much negativity and "bad" things going on in the world as of late, that I figure if I start to change some things in my personal life, then maybe I will inspire at least one other person to do the same, and they will inspire someone and so on...We can all make a small imprint on this world and we have many opportunities each day; most of us either ignore those opportunities or are so consumed in our daily lives and routines, that we miss those chances because we do not see them as the opportunities arise. : ) I certainly have missed plenty of these opportunities, but I do not wish to miss anymore, so I am doing something about it.

...To making it count...

~Melissa

Hum Drum Tuesday

I woke up this morning at 5 a.m. to be to work by 7:00 and I was quite tired. I have been trying to "train" my body to not stay up late and to get back on a semi-regular/early sleep schedule. My attempts to go to bed at 10:00 last night failed miserably. I think I finally headed to bed at almost midnight and I was still not that tired. Waking up every two hours because you decide to hydrate yourself and cure a craving for cold ice water causes you to visit the royal throne like clockwork throughout the night...The last time I woke up to use the restroom was around 3:45 a.m. and I knew that I would be getting up to an alarm sharply at 5:00; but I went back to bed anyway...Just as I finally got comfortable, snuggled in real tight to my blankets and my mind was surprisingly quite...I hear BEEP, BEEP, BEEP. RING, RING, RING! I popped open my eyes and said CRRRAAAP! Grudgingly, I kicked off the blankets, wiped the "eye crispies" from my eyes and hopped into the shower and got ready for work.

Beginning work this morning was a bit of a struggle to wake myself up and be completely functioning since I have been lacking sleep due to an blasted allergy cold that I am finally getting over (or at least the allergies are now bearable and do not make me feel completely miserable all day long). Today, since I was scheduled the early shift, I had the duties of cleaning the bathrooms, filling the coolers, bringing the carts back onto the sales floor (after having our floors cleaned the night before) and clean up the service counter all before the store opens at 9:00 where I will be the only cashier scheduled aside from the manager...

I start to clean the Women's bathroom and here I find something in a bag in the garbage can. I can see it's a package from the store as it has our price tags on both small boxes and I can read the writing on it which read "Play Girl Female Condoms". I was like WHAT?! So with rubber gloves on, I had to check for a receipt, otherwise we have to count it as loss inventory. What I saw next was least expected...I move the two small boxes to see if a receipt would lye underneath them, and to my disgust, I see two USED condoms in the plastic bag under the boxes they came in! I took the bag up to the front of the store and asked myself the question...Really? Did someone really have sex in the Women's bathroom? I mean what is wrong with people? Why would you have sex in a public restroom and leave the evidence behind? Is that really necessary that you cannot wait until you get home to have sex? I will not know for sure, but I'm not an idiot and I am pretty sure that it was used. Then I thought about what if a kid found that or tried to pick it up or something? So I ask again...REALLY? Note to everyone...If you have to have sex that bad that you cannot possibly wait until you get home, have sex BEFORE you go shopping! Sincerely, the employees who have to clean the bathrooms. Aside from that awesome incident, the store was oddly very busy for a Tuesday, in fact it was as busy today as it is on a Friday for us...I wondered what it could be and just chalked it up to people coming back from vacations, end of summer, school starting next week for the kiddos, and the holiday weekend coming up. Time sure flew by at work today but man it was way too busy for just two people to run the whole store. Attention huge corporations and the people who have the authority to give your managers and employees labor hours for the week...STOP micro managing your businesses! We, the "small" people hate running around with our heads cut off and not being able to get the things done that are asked of us. Thanks. :)

In other news...Charter decided to change their cable system and get rid of their old cable, and made us get these pointless HD converter boxes for the new cable system...It was a headache to get programmed but it works. My thoughts on this are...If something is not broken, don't fix it...

I received a phone call about an Administrative Assistant position I applied for was reviewed and I have an interview set up on Thursday afternoon. :) Fingers crossed that something falls into place soon as I am beginning to lose hope on finding a job in my career field before November when I have to begin to pay my student loans back...EEEK!

Nothing out of the quote ordinary happened today, yet when it came to write about this entry, I realized that if you really take a look at the course of a day, there are small things, or minor things that happen in daily life that you may not pay any attention to, unless you are thinking about a particular time. It's pretty cool once you start to think about it, and awesome when you try it out and begin to see and notice those small things that you otherwise might not have thought about because they are small, unimportant things that happen each day. Try it for a week and maybe jot down little notes of small things that happen each day and at the end of the week, see how many have occurred but also look at the bigger picture of the week as a whole and see exactly how much of our daily lives are just filled with the "Hum Drums" that we pay no attention to. It's really cool to go back and read those things from the week and see how much more aware you are of not only your daily life, but your surroundings when you take the time to notice some of those small things.

...Until Tomorrow...

~Melissa

Bittersweet Monday

Last night I found myself wrestling with being able to go to bed before midnight. I got home roughly at 10:30 after work last night and I did my usual routine of relaxing before bed. My goal was to be in bed by midnight, however, my mind had other plans.

For the last five years of my life, I have been in college and grew quite accustomed to the college life of late nights, hermit hibernation, focusing on homework, textbook reading, reports, tests and projects. As I laid my head down to finally fall asleep, my mind kept wandering to the fact that school started in the morning and I was NOT going to be packing up the backpack to head to class as I had done for the last five years. I know some would think that I may sound "crazy" but I have always loved school and really enjoyed learning, so for me to finally realize that until financially I can go back to school, my school days of classrooms, and forming those friendships, with people who share the same classes for years on end are a glimmer of the past.

I think I am more saddened because I know that my college journey is far from over as I have at least three additional areas that I would like to study. I love writing and would love to study writing/journalism, I really have a passion to do teaching and started a teaching degree and I know that I am to finish that degree at some point. I would also love to do something with music. Maybe I could find a way to combine all three at some point?

Right now though, I know that I have the next phase of my life before me and I have been doing all that I can to take those steps to dive into a career with the degree and training I have already obtained in college.

For years there has been a deep desire to move to Tennessee. A few summers ago, when my parents and I drove through Tennessee coming home from a trip to Florida, I caught the first taste of the country land, mountains and the beauty that is there; which only help to fuel that desire and to solidify it as a place I want to live in. I do not like big cities and would prefer the country over the hustle and bustle of a crazy, big city so I would live in a small town/out in the country but I still cannot shake that desire either.

I just turned 29 ten days ago and I never thought I would think so much about the rest of my life the way I have over the last year. For some reason I am afraid of turning 30 because I had this "ideal plan" for my life which included being married and having children before I was 30 because I want to be a mom, I want to experience that part of womanhood and my life...However, I have so many things that I want to do in my life and although I could still do it with being a mom, it would be a lot harder to accomplish. As much as I fought tooth and nail to hold onto that plan I had for my life to ensure that I would have the kids I wanted, marry the man of my dreams and have my kids raised before the age of 50, I am beginning to be okay with not being a mom just yet. I have a deep desire to be a mom and I know that I will have at least one child before my "fertile years are gone", but getting out there and finding myself and the life I want and have dreamed of living is all within my reach...I just have to get there.

As a "prelude" to some of those goals, I am taking this next year to focus on a few of the goals I want to obtain, and take the necessary steps to get there. Someone once told me "You're gonna get where you're going in life, the question is...Who's going to be there with ya?" I used to think that this meant that I had to have someone physically be with me wherever I am going in life and essentially when I get married, there will be someone there...But for now, that someone can be God, my pets, maybe my sister (if she decides she wants to get out of MN and explore other areas as well) or just the peace of knowing within my soul that I am following the dreams I have in life. I think that would be good enough to know that I am in complete peace, joy, serenity and I am HAPPY with where I am and what I am doing in life. :)

These are my thought processes and my "plans of action" for this year. Let's see where I can go from here.

~Melissa