Last night I found myself wrestling with being able to go to bed before midnight. I got home roughly at 10:30 after work last night and I did my usual routine of relaxing before bed. My goal was to be in bed by midnight, however, my mind had other plans.
For the last five years of my life, I have been in college and grew quite accustomed to the college life of late nights, hermit hibernation, focusing on homework, textbook reading, reports, tests and projects. As I laid my head down to finally fall asleep, my mind kept wandering to the fact that school started in the morning and I was NOT going to be packing up the backpack to head to class as I had done for the last five years. I know some would think that I may sound "crazy" but I have always loved school and really enjoyed learning, so for me to finally realize that until financially I can go back to school, my school days of classrooms, and forming those friendships, with people who share the same classes for years on end are a glimmer of the past.
I think I am more saddened because I know that my college journey is far from over as I have at least three additional areas that I would like to study. I love writing and would love to study writing/journalism, I really have a passion to do teaching and started a teaching degree and I know that I am to finish that degree at some point. I would also love to do something with music. Maybe I could find a way to combine all three at some point?
Right now though, I know that I have the next phase of my life before me and I have been doing all that I can to take those steps to dive into a career with the degree and training I have already obtained in college.
For years there has been a deep desire to move to Tennessee. A few summers ago, when my parents and I drove through Tennessee coming home from a trip to Florida, I caught the first taste of the country land, mountains and the beauty that is there; which only help to fuel that desire and to solidify it as a place I want to live in. I do not like big cities and would prefer the country over the hustle and bustle of a crazy, big city so I would live in a small town/out in the country but I still cannot shake that desire either.
I just turned 29 ten days ago and I never thought I would think so much about the rest of my life the way I have over the last year. For some reason I am afraid of turning 30 because I had this "ideal plan" for my life which included being married and having children before I was 30 because I want to be a mom, I want to experience that part of womanhood and my life...However, I have so many things that I want to do in my life and although I could still do it with being a mom, it would be a lot harder to accomplish. As much as I fought tooth and nail to hold onto that plan I had for my life to ensure that I would have the kids I wanted, marry the man of my dreams and have my kids raised before the age of 50, I am beginning to be okay with not being a mom just yet. I have a deep desire to be a mom and I know that I will have at least one child before my "fertile years are gone", but getting out there and finding myself and the life I want and have dreamed of living is all within my reach...I just have to get there.
As a "prelude" to some of those goals, I am taking this next year to focus on a few of the goals I want to obtain, and take the necessary steps to get there. Someone once told me "You're gonna get where you're going in life, the question is...Who's going to be there with ya?" I used to think that this meant that I had to have someone physically be with me wherever I am going in life and essentially when I get married, there will be someone there...But for now, that someone can be God, my pets, maybe my sister (if she decides she wants to get out of MN and explore other areas as well) or just the peace of knowing within my soul that I am following the dreams I have in life. I think that would be good enough to know that I am in complete peace, joy, serenity and I am HAPPY with where I am and what I am doing in life. :)
These are my thought processes and my "plans of action" for this year. Let's see where I can go from here.
~Melissa
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