Boundaries

Boundaries are essential for a healthy lifestyle and healthy for relationships. I seem to find myself thinking about these, evaluating the ones I have and creating new ones if I feel it is necessary to maintain a healthy life. I've realized that when you place boundaries up in your life and stick to them, you tend to eliminate a lot of stress, chaos and drama from your life.

This was something that I used to have trouble doing in life because I did not want to hurt anyone and I tended to be the "peace keeper/people pleaser". After years of being miserable and hating the "double life" I lived to maintain peace with everyone, I finally said "ENOUGH!". I would ask why everyone in my life seemed happy but I felt completely miserable? I soon realized that I was every one's "doormat" for the lack of a better word. I hate confrontation, and would steer clear of it no matter if I agreed with something or not. I was pretty good at being the "Melissa" that everyone could rely on to do what they needed done, but hiding that I was super annoyed and angry with not feeling respected or feeling like I could say "No" to others who I cared about.

This was a 7 year battle with myself, and when I began to put up boundaries, yes I did stumble and fall back into a few "people pleasing" roles, but I continued to fight through it, and I soon realized that people would be mad at me for a bit, but they eventually got over it. I noticed how good I felt to say No to things that I did not want to do, and know that I would be okay and that the people around me would be mad at first, but would still get over it and move on.

Now, I am not afraid to say "No" to someone or something if I do not want to do it. I have found that my life is far less stressful, chaotic and I feel I have more freedom to focus on the things that I want to do and that make me happy. Don't get me wrong, I love helping people out and will do so when I can, but I have learned that I don't have to do everything that everyone asks of me, and I can say No and not feel bad about it.

At times, I still get angry backlash when I say no to certain people, mainly family as I think those are the hardest people to say no to, but I know that if I feel it's right for me and will allow me to "keep my sanity", then whomever I say No to, will have to accept it, find another way of doing it and move on. Even at times when I feel bad to upset someone that I love or care about, I know as long as I "dig my heels in" and stand by my boundaries, that I will be okay, I will not feel taken advantage of, and the others around me will be just fine as well.

I don't want anyone to think that they have to be a "people pleasing welcome mat", you can say "No", feel good about it and know that you made the best and most healthy choice for you, and for the other people involved. The way that I assess if I need to say "No" is if someone asks me to do something and I really feel uncomfortable with it, don't feel it's necessary for me to do it, or they try to take advantage of the help that I do give them...Then I know that I should say No, and place a boundary down about it and stick to it. I have also learned that you do NOT have to explain yourself all of the time to others. There's a time and place for a reason for saying No to something, but you do not have to explain yourself or your reasoning for saying No all of the time. You can merely say No, stand firm in that and feel good knowing you made the best decision for you, even if the others involved are angry or upset at the time...Believe me, they will get over it and move on. : )

You can help others out, but NEVER feel like you have to do something you really do not want to do or are not comfortable with doing. Boundaries are there to help us lead fulfilling, and healthy lives. Never be afraid to set up boundaries where they need to be. : )

~Melissa