Not Ashamed

Who has not done things in their life that they are not proud of? I can bet most of us have. That's how we grow, how we learn is by making mistakes and learning from them. I grew up believing that if you make a mistake, you recognize you were in the wrong, walk out the consequences, learn from it and move on with life. As a teen and into adulthood, I began learning that the people around me would openly express their opinions about certain things and would shy away from things and people who believed a certain way, lived a certain way, did certain things...etc.

For years, I thought that I had to live this "perfect little life" based on what beliefs I was being taught, what others believed I should do and if I steered away from that and made a "bad choice", then not only would I be convicted by God and my subconscious for the wrong choice, but people would view me differently.

I've learned that honesty is always the best policy, but in doing that, by being brutally honest, people judge you and treat you differently for that. I've been judged for not growing up in a "church going home", I've been judged based on the clothes I wore, the friends I had, the music I like, how much I help my family out, choices I made in my personal life and it was really unfortunate. I am a person who wears their heart on their sleeves, and I don't hide much of anything because frankly it's hard living a "double life" as I did for many years. You soon learn in life exactly WHO are your friends, your true friends and WHY those people are your friends or are NOT your friends.

One of the main reasons why I am doing this blog is for the freedom to write about what I want, but more importantly to share parts of my story with others as an outlet for me to process, deal and heal from things in my past; but more importantly, I hope it may help at least one other person to know that the roads they walk in life, no matter how grim...They are not alone, they have someone who has walked in their shoes before...

I would say that there is probably only one person in my life who knows everything about me, every "secret" and every mistake that I have ever made and that's my sister Heather. The love and acceptance that she has showed me despite my mistakes in life has really given me hope that I can "redeem" myself and that I am not an "awful" person for the choices I made in my life.

Sure, I have drank alcohol and gotten drunk, I have tried Marijuana and smoked it for a time period out of high school, sure I have had sex before marriage, I have smoked cigarettes for a time period, I have eaten junk food pretty much my whole life and I am trying to eat healthier now as an adult...But the fact of the matter is, those things happened in the past but while people where busy passing judgments on my actions, no one knows what in the world I was going through at that time in my life which also lead to some very dark years that I had to claw, drag, climb, fight and crawl out of years later...Those times all came to a head and lead to the biggest and probably the only regret I ever made in my life. Only a few people know about that regret and in telling them, there were a few who said things that ripped my heart out and caused me to not share that part of my story. I noticed after telling a few people closest to me, they treated me differently, looked at me differently and with a couple, they distanced themselves from me because they did not agree with my choice and it hurt them to find it out...I wonder if they knew the emotional roller coaster that came with that decision? I didn't need anyone to "beat me up" for those things as I was doing enough of that myself. I needed my friends to just BE there without judgments, guilt, shame or anything but to just BE there. Some were but a few were not.

I chose VERY wisely who I say things to now, because I have learned that even those closest to you can be the most hurtful or judgmental people in your life. I still love those people, I have forgiven them, and I am moving on.

A huge part of me wants to write a book about a few experiences I have had in my life, or an biography, yet I don't know if I could ever be that open and exposed for the world to read about...My family is a good support, but I still don't tell them everything either because everyone and their mom would know then. I love my family very much, yet if I honestly look at the dynamics, I am only close to my younger sister and she is a person I feel I can talk to about anything; so I do. :) We have MANY long conversations about life in general for both of us...And we have those "I can't believe we just spent 20 minutes talking and laughing about that!" conversations as well. I love you Heather. :)

...The point of this post is to tell people to NOT be ashamed to share your story in life. Don't be ashamed of where you came from, who you were, who you are now and who you hope to become. ALL of those things that have happened in your life has brought you to today, to this time in your life and without having those experiences in your life...Your life would probably be very different and you would not be the awesome person you are today with the dreams you have and the future you are chasing. :) Who cares if people judge you. I know it hurts but it does not say anything about your character if you are judged, but it says A LOT about the person who is judging. Be fearless, judge less, love more.

BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE. Mistakes, flaws and all. I happen to think that's the most beautiful type of person there is. We are all created uniquely different, so why try to fit into a mold or a box that society, and this world tries to place us in? Be free to be none other than AWESOMELY YOU! :)

~Melissa