Missing Pieces

In this life, you wonder at times if there are pieces to life missing from yours? At least this has been the thought in my life. I found out today that my younger sister is having a girl and I will be blessed with another niece in my life at the end of January. As much as I am happy and elated for her, there is a thought that runs deep within my soul. I wonder did I miss it? Did I miss my chance at this time in my life?

I know that women have babies well into their 30's, and with 30 approaching for me next summer, I have begun to think if I will ever become a mom? As I look around me, to the friends that I have in my life, all of them (99%) have children already in their lives. I've tried not to let it get to me as I know that things happen in time; but honestly, I am so TIRED of waiting. I want to experience motherhood more than anything in this world, yet my hope has always been that I would share that time with someone special in my life...Which he is no where to be found yet...So I keep waiting for "Mr. Right" to walk into my life...And I keep waiting for him...Where in the heck is he anyway?

Over the last few years in particular, I have really worried about actually being able to have kids due to previous medical issues, changes within my physical body/system, topped with knowing our family's history with cancer, fertility concerns, and approaching 30...Makes my nerves rattle more than they ever have.

I've always been taught and told that I should get married or be in a committed relationship with someone before I get pregnant, and believe me I HAVE TRIED; but it seems to not work out with the long term relationships that I have had in the past...I have not dated many people in my life, but I have had a few long term relationships that have spanned over multiple years. Things happened, and the relationships did not work out and I thank God that they didn't because now looking back, I know that I would have been completely miserable in those relationships had I stayed in them.

I've seriously considered Invetro or asking a friend for the sake of knowing they are medically okay, but I know them well enough to know they would not mind doing that for me...I have thought about many things as I have never been a person who thinks about or likes "One night stands"; I believe there has to be more to a relationship than just sex...So, I toss those ideas into the wind and wait patiently to meet that person meant for me.

I am more worried about waiting too long for "Mr. Right" and then finding out I missed my chance, or my "window" to have children. My family history on both sides show that the women have had hysterectomies in their late 20's-early 30's, cervical cancers, Endometriosis, and other fertility concerns that my sisters have even dealt with...To top that all off, over the last few years, I have noticed drastic changes within myself that has me concerned that my "fertile window" is rapidly approaching. Yet, I am trying to "wait" for that part of my life to "happen" for me. Truth be told--I am so TIRED of waiting. I constantly ask myself "Did I wait too long? What do I do if I had my chance and gave it up?" I know I could always adopt and I plan to at some point as I have always wanted to, but I also want to experience all of the pieces of Motherhood as well...

Sure, just because my family has had those issues and my siblings have, does not mean for sure that I will...But do I take the risk of waiting on a hope that nothing will affect that, and the noticeable changes that I have seen over the last few years are just a fluke or something that comes with age? I could look at it that way, and that's how I have approached this desire up until this point in my life; but what if I and the others who have told me to wait are wrong? I am not sure that's a risk I am willing to take any longer.

I am super excited to gain another niece and to be there to share in the pregnancy ups and downs with my sister as I did when she had my niece Chloe...But one of the deepest desires within my heart keeps pulsating through my being and rattling me to my very core... I WANT TO BE A MOM! I want to experience that part of my life. I am 29 years old, I think I have waited long enough and although it's not my "ideal" picture of how this would unfold in my life, I cannot shake this deep desire and I surely do not want to "wait my time away". At the same time I am not sure exactly what to do as I want a relationship with someone as well.

For now, I think I will again "wait on this" but I am really looking at having a baby in the next year. Single or not, I believe that surely a 29-30 year old can raise a child on their own if they had to. I watched both of my sisters do it, I helped them with their kids and I know that I could do it, but I would like the father to be there as well.

So, my big debate over this is: Do I continue to wait, even if waiting means another 5yrs or more? OR Do I begin to look at what options are available to me, so I do not miss out on it because I waited too long?

~Melissa